"What is it that I do-do?"

Panorama made in Tonto National Forest, Arizona

I feel better when I’m making pictures. Yes, I have unrealistic expectations about what anyone should think about these pictures, and I’m insecure about showing them to people. I want to feel special. This is childish and not a great way to move the creative ball forward.

I diminish and dismiss well made work as a preemptive strike designed to defang anyone else’s attack. This leads to spiraling self-doubt sessions which wind up in front of the television, watching someone else’s creative work.

The solution: simple daily inoculation against that lizard-brained self-doubt. I’m not changing the world with my work yet. That’s not why I do it. I make art to settle my nerves, to change my relationship to to the world. Sharing work is an extra bonus. I like to see the world photographed. People like to see a photographed world.

My process is changing. I used to be too precious about how my work should be seen and experienced. Only the finest execution would do. While having high production values is a good thing, I can get carried away. I produce myself right out of a project.

There is always an internal struggle. Part of me wants to just blast out work like 32nd notes at a Slayer concert, and another wants to create a zen garden with only one stone in it. While both require technical mastery, the approach and outcome is slightly different.

So, how to balance those to speeds? Just make the work. Trust that everything finds its own level. Show it around because people might enjoy seeing it, and have a moment outside of their daily grind. That is enough, and anything else is gravy.

A Quick One About A.D.D. and Photography

If you have a little A.D.D., release yourself from the need to constantly organize images in concise portfolios. That’s why there are curators in the world. My mother, God bless her, is always so anxious about organizing her photo library, and it takes up too much energy. She’s a very creative person but gets caught up in the back end, so the production grinds to a standstill.

Portfolio reviews or assembling portfolios always feels a little crazy to me. I’m not against organizing ideas, but sometimes, there is beauty in the freedom. It doesn’t need to make perfect sense for me in order for it to work.

I’m preparing a show this winter at the Wolfe Gallery located at Maumee Valley Country Day School, in Toledo, Ohio. There will be some framed images shown, but most of the work will have a definite workshop energy to it. I’m printing a lot of pictures and applying them to foam core. This isn’t lazy on my part, it is about allowing the viewer to make some connection and curate their own show. What can I say, I love a parade!

Bringing a little play into the world harms no one. I can show work I like and surround it with just the joy of creation. The sense that my process isn’t valid because it lacks perfect clarity is not a helpful thought. Looking around at the world I live in, this comes as no surprise. There is a carnival of inspiration.

So, if you feel like you’re not valid because you haven’t been able to make a perfect portfolio for all to easily understand, take heart in the restless process of seeing in real time. You’ll be okay. Heck, you are okay. Proceed.

On Procrastination: a users guide

It is scary to do things that really matter. Most people procrastinate without even knowing it. We’re so programmed to be busy, it’s easy to lose sight of “the big picture”. Throw in a little A.D.D., social media, and be self employed, it’s even worse.

Procrastination is hard to overcome, because it looks like being busy. Procrastination rarely looks like sitting in a chair, doing nothing. It’s organizing the desk, running errands, trying a new recipe, or the thousand forms of “getting ready to get ready” as my grandfather would say.

I have mastered the skill of doing everything but the task at hand, I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore. A lot of my behavior was on full display back in middle school or earlier. This isn’t new, it’s old stuff. So, how do I train myself to procrastinate less?

I need to think about causes and conditions. Why do I procrastinate? I have a few guesses.

• I’m afraid of looking bad or “stupid”.

• I’m afraid of success

  • Success means taking responsibility. I don’t like that.

• Not doing something that I’m insecure about is a great way to avoid potential pain.

  • This creates anxiety and depression because I’m very aware that I’m not where I want to be in any project.

  • I can’t always see the connection between my choices and the results.

• Completing something means being accountable for it.

  • Procrastinating looks like:

    • Reworking non-essential elements.

    • Asking for feedback and waiting for a response.

    • Adjusting the project based on the feedback.

    • Making the parts I like to do amazing.

    • Looking for and starting another project that’s “more important”.

This list is not conclusive. At the center of it all is a self-centered, self-created fear that somehow whatever “it” is won’t be good enough, or the right thing. Failure will have me cast out of society, living like a wild animal.

What is helping me change the procrastinating habit?

• Instead of just diving in and doing stuff, I flank the habit with new habits.

  • Addressing the underlying anxiety or fear that drives the behavior.

  • I give myself some time every morning to just free write, and put down the things that are bugging me.

    • Eventually, the problems that drive the avoidance response present themselves in a manageable size.

    • What happens is the anxiety of NOT doing something gets greater than the act I’m avoiding

  • I’ll never be free of this habit, but it doesn’t have to drive the bus.

Remembering the following thoughts helps

• Procrastination is not a moral failing.

• Fear of success sometimes is greater than fear of failure.

• Becoming curious about what happens next helps.

• The frustration of things staying the same gets old after a while.

• Allowing new habits to replace old ones takes time and a little compassion for yourself.

• The world can be a scary place and our default is to play defense.

  • Guilt and shame are not sustainable motivators for positive change.

• “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”

  • “When all else fails, lower your standards.”

    • Just do something to move the ball forward a little bit. Win a skirmish, not the war.

  I hope this helps. Writing it down and sharing it makes it less of a burden for me. Thanks for reading.

Making Art with A.D.D. isn't Impossible

I don’t know where I got this idea that all my work had to be in tiny little packages and completed before I went on to something else. It isn’t how my brain works and it stood in the way of me making work at all. It isn’t that I don’t believe in finishing what I start, but often that requires a lot of exploration of other paths and ideas before I can bring something to a close.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned the term “Attention Deficit Disorder” and realized it fit me perfectly. I was a “rambunctious” kid growing up and had a hard time sitting still. This made it difficult to achieve any kind of solid academic record and was the source of many tense conversations during my teenage years. We didn’t know what we didn’t know back then.

However, I realize that the struggle to try to get my brain to focus the way I “think” it should takes more energy than letting do its thing. The fact is, I’m interested in a lot of things all at once and time and again, the connections between them make themselves known in time. It can be scary, but if I just factor in a little “soft focus” I get more done. This doesn’t mean I don’t respond well to organization, it’s just that it looks different than other people’s versions.

What helps is writing things down, using my calendar app, getting plenty of sleep, and, factoring in time goof off. Also, practicing some form of meditation helps. Sometimes a little pause gives my brain space to make connections it wouldn’t otherwise make. I’ve come to rely on it.

I still struggle with motivation, everyone does. Usually lack of motivation comes from feeling like nothing I do will be good enough because somehow the focus isn’t there. What helps is realizing that how I think I should function and how I do function are two different things. As soon as I stop comparing those two things, more gets done. It takes a daily leap of faith but usually works out

Art and Meditation

I make better, and considerably more images when I'm just taking a walk with my camera. I see things, make connections, and worry less about whether or not I'm wasting time and money.

Now, a little about what meditation is and isn't. I used to think successful meditation was sitting someplace and having a completely clear mind, at one with the universe. This is not true. Meditation is having all the thoughts that run through your head still existing, but you don't engage them.

Making pictures is a form a meditation for me. I still have those corrosive thoughts, I just try to keep them in the back row. The real challenge in making art isn't in the physical production of work, but not engaging in distracting thoughts.