August Magnolia

I have a small magnolia tree growing in my backyard. I can see it from my desk, and have often said “Gosh, that would be nice to photograph,” but never did because, well, laziness, I suppose. One sunny day last week, after being sick of just looking at it, I took action. I set up a white seamless behind it, brought out my medium and large format cameras, and made a few shots. I’m glad I did. I like the high key element that really separates the living plant from its environment. Nature is a lot more graphic than we give it credit.

Most of my personal artwork is made using film. Not only to I find the end result more pleasing, I like the slower process. These images were made using a Hasselblad medium format camera and a Linhof 4x5 field camera. Film was Ilford Pan-F and FP4 developed in Pyro. Edited images will be for sale at Jessica Hagen Contemporary Art

July is for Processing!

It’s July, and I finally remembered I’m not worthless, and my creative puttering has been productive. Work was getting done, but not with any sense of “what it all means”. I didn’t have the time for reflection. I was helping my parents move out of their house and downsize, involving several cross country drives and flights. It didn’t allow for large chunks of time to just create. Upon reflection, large chunks of unstructured time is overrated. I work better in between moments.

I’m processing the work made over the past three years, and it’s pretty good. I’m grateful I can make art in the first place. Not all of it is photo related, and the inner-critic tells me “if it isn’t photo related, it doesn’t count.” (See above)

I don’t know where that condition for existing comes from, but it sucks the fun out of everything, including photography. My pictures are no good because I’m doing this other stuff, which I actually enjoy, but feel guilty for enjoying it, because I’m not taking pictures. Inner-critics like to set up systems where you can’t win for trying.

Instead of not taking pictures, I stopped taking pictures the way I used to. It wasn’t until about LAST WEEK I noticed a large volume of work to edit and process. I’d been busy making, not sorting or editing.

The reality of any art practice is a lot of time is spent gathering materials, sketching, and doing what seems like goofing off. It’s not.

Sidebar to all the people without a project in mind, keep plugging away. Something will come out of all that stuff you’re doing.

My camera has another way of seeing things, which makes it fun. Relying on chance and uncertainty means that by the time it comes to develop, I have no idea where anything was taken. I am photographing unknown spaces.

It sure feels like that’s been my life for the past few years, making images on the fly. Honestly, time and movement have been a major part of my creative curiosity all along.

The idea that a portfolio must have a clear, consistent look or theme for it to convey a message is not always accurate. I use the boundaries of time to organize my images. Most of my creative intention is “That looks pretty cool.”

My creative practice is like walking along the beach, filling my pockets with beautiful stones, and showing you what I’ve found.

On Procrastination: a users guide

It is scary to do things that really matter. Most people procrastinate without even knowing it. We’re so programmed to be busy, it’s easy to lose sight of “the big picture”. Throw in a little A.D.D., social media, and be self employed, it’s even worse.

Procrastination is hard to overcome, because it looks like being busy. Procrastination rarely looks like sitting in a chair, doing nothing. It’s organizing the desk, running errands, trying a new recipe, or the thousand forms of “getting ready to get ready” as my grandfather would say.

I have mastered the skill of doing everything but the task at hand, I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore. A lot of my behavior was on full display back in middle school or earlier. This isn’t new, it’s old stuff. So, how do I train myself to procrastinate less?

I need to think about causes and conditions. Why do I procrastinate? I have a few guesses.

• I’m afraid of looking bad or “stupid”.

• I’m afraid of success

  • Success means taking responsibility. I don’t like that.

• Not doing something that I’m insecure about is a great way to avoid potential pain.

  • This creates anxiety and depression because I’m very aware that I’m not where I want to be in any project.

  • I can’t always see the connection between my choices and the results.

• Completing something means being accountable for it.

  • Procrastinating looks like:

    • Reworking non-essential elements.

    • Asking for feedback and waiting for a response.

    • Adjusting the project based on the feedback.

    • Making the parts I like to do amazing.

    • Looking for and starting another project that’s “more important”.

This list is not conclusive. At the center of it all is a self-centered, self-created fear that somehow whatever “it” is won’t be good enough, or the right thing. Failure will have me cast out of society, living like a wild animal.

What is helping me change the procrastinating habit?

• Instead of just diving in and doing stuff, I flank the habit with new habits.

  • Addressing the underlying anxiety or fear that drives the behavior.

  • I give myself some time every morning to just free write, and put down the things that are bugging me.

    • Eventually, the problems that drive the avoidance response present themselves in a manageable size.

    • What happens is the anxiety of NOT doing something gets greater than the act I’m avoiding

  • I’ll never be free of this habit, but it doesn’t have to drive the bus.

Remembering the following thoughts helps

• Procrastination is not a moral failing.

• Fear of success sometimes is greater than fear of failure.

• Becoming curious about what happens next helps.

• The frustration of things staying the same gets old after a while.

• Allowing new habits to replace old ones takes time and a little compassion for yourself.

• The world can be a scary place and our default is to play defense.

  • Guilt and shame are not sustainable motivators for positive change.

• “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”

  • “When all else fails, lower your standards.”

    • Just do something to move the ball forward a little bit. Win a skirmish, not the war.

  I hope this helps. Writing it down and sharing it makes it less of a burden for me. Thanks for reading.

Daily Practice makes Daily Practice

I’ve been a little stagnant in my photography and that is in part to me not using a camera on a daily basis. Perhaps you can identify.

Part of the issue with using big cameras is thinking that smaller cameras are somehow not as good. This thinking is similar to a painter of large canvases not using a sketchbook to practice the eye. Doesn’t make sense.

So, I’m developing a habit of keeping a small Sony a6000 with me wherever I go. I have it set on program and auto exposure. For me, it is a tool to record the interesting things I see. It blows off a little steam and frees up my imagination. Photography becomes less of an event and more of a practice. It’s easy to forget that.

Here are some selections from my daily practice.

Making Art with A.D.D. isn't Impossible

I don’t know where I got this idea that all my work had to be in tiny little packages and completed before I went on to something else. It isn’t how my brain works and it stood in the way of me making work at all. It isn’t that I don’t believe in finishing what I start, but often that requires a lot of exploration of other paths and ideas before I can bring something to a close.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned the term “Attention Deficit Disorder” and realized it fit me perfectly. I was a “rambunctious” kid growing up and had a hard time sitting still. This made it difficult to achieve any kind of solid academic record and was the source of many tense conversations during my teenage years. We didn’t know what we didn’t know back then.

However, I realize that the struggle to try to get my brain to focus the way I “think” it should takes more energy than letting do its thing. The fact is, I’m interested in a lot of things all at once and time and again, the connections between them make themselves known in time. It can be scary, but if I just factor in a little “soft focus” I get more done. This doesn’t mean I don’t respond well to organization, it’s just that it looks different than other people’s versions.

What helps is writing things down, using my calendar app, getting plenty of sleep, and, factoring in time goof off. Also, practicing some form of meditation helps. Sometimes a little pause gives my brain space to make connections it wouldn’t otherwise make. I’ve come to rely on it.

I still struggle with motivation, everyone does. Usually lack of motivation comes from feeling like nothing I do will be good enough because somehow the focus isn’t there. What helps is realizing that how I think I should function and how I do function are two different things. As soon as I stop comparing those two things, more gets done. It takes a daily leap of faith but usually works out

What is the Curious Basement?

When I’m left to my own devices, I’ll be in the basement making prints or outside making pictures. It’s where I’m happiest and most creative. I’m also passionate about the community of artists who use photography. The Curious Basement refers to the fact that most home darkrooms are located in basements. It is the place for the most creative exploration in my life. The Curious Basement brings all this together.

I’ll be selling photos at affordable prices on my site here and sharing the process on my instagram channel.

I’m tired of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. My work and passion involve making things with light and precious metals.

For your consideration.

Art history is full of people who lived and created in obscurity only to be discovered later (like hundreds of years later). They had interesting and connected lives and made stuff for the joy of creation.

A lot of artists who enjoy(ed) fame in their lifetimes are/were real assholes to the people around them.

All social media is one gigantic status game.

A sense of style is not about doing one thing over and over.

Wanting validation for your efforts while doing them is a great way to get nothing worthwhile done.

God blesses effort.

Process Not Perfection

I attended Fotofest in 2001. I had the chance to talk with with Burt Finger of Photos Do not Bend Gallery. He and his wife Missy sold me my first piece of art: Keith Carter Dog Ghost.

We were talking about life and art during a break. I was 31 at the time and very much into being a deep and profound artist. Burt was patient, kind, and quick to laugh. Still is.

I’ll never forget what he said, “When I came back from Vietnam, I swore I’d never be petty. I’d never take anything for granted, Every day will be a gift. You know what, Ron, it didn’t take too long for me to get right back to being petty and taking everything for granted.”

In 2001, my first wife Lisa Garner, was still alive and in the next room. I felt I had the world at my feet. The only really painful stuff I had experienced could be chalked up to witnessing the normal progression of life: deaths, breakups, 8th grade graduation.

I’ll be 49 this year. I’d like to say I’m more more reflective and less petty. I have experienced a portion of joy and pain associated with being on the planet and loving people while I’m at it. I take it all for granted more often than not. It’s part of being human. No one among us can maintain perfect spiritual balance all the time. That isn’t my  problem. My problem is thinking that I can’t function until such is the case.

I’m a 48 year old confused artist who hasn’t really made anything of comment for a while who says “I’ll never take anything for granted.” while watching movies about a dead artists who couldn’t take anything for granted.

However, just for today, I’m not going to take it for granted (fearful) and say “I’ll take pictures or write tomorrow.” Today, I remember that conditions are never ideal to work. Creativity needs something to work against.

Keith Carter, wrote on one of his cameras “It’s your job”. Just take the damn picture and forget how you feel. The obstacles and distractions are not there to punish you for having an idea, but there to direct your actions to the parts that need more attention.

In that spirit, have a great day.

Art and Meditation

I make better, and considerably more images when I'm just taking a walk with my camera. I see things, make connections, and worry less about whether or not I'm wasting time and money.

Now, a little about what meditation is and isn't. I used to think successful meditation was sitting someplace and having a completely clear mind, at one with the universe. This is not true. Meditation is having all the thoughts that run through your head still existing, but you don't engage them.

Making pictures is a form a meditation for me. I still have those corrosive thoughts, I just try to keep them in the back row. The real challenge in making art isn't in the physical production of work, but not engaging in distracting thoughts.